REALLY Bad Jokes:


* A blonde woman construction worker was working a few floors above the ground and accidentally cut her ear off. She yelled down to the street. “Hey, you! Sir! I just cut my ear off, can you pick it up for me?”

The man saw the ear lying on the ground and picked it up. “Is this it?”

“No,” said the blonde. “Mine had a pencil behind it.”
 

* Two baby fish are swimming and just having 
fun loving every minute of being alive. A larger fish was amused by seeing the two of them just simply enjoying themselves and having fun and swam next to them. The larger fish said to the baby fish, “Morning boys, you two are having a lot of fun! How’s the water?”

The baby fish didn’t respond and followed the big fish in silence until the first one turned to the other and asked, “What the hell is water?” 

* Girls can usually tell when I like them since I blush or start telling bad jokes.
- Zac Efron, American Actor 
 

* I find a lot of enjoyment when I come across a bad joke and I love telling a bad joke now and then.  I enjoy letting others know there’s going to be a very bad joke about to come out of my mouth. - Andy Kindler, American Comedian 

* A large roast beef sandwich followed by a plate of French fries walked into a bar. The bartender looked at them and said, “Sorry, we don't serve food.”
 

* A blonde took her first flight on an airplane and was extremely excited. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 787, she began jumping up and down in excitement, while running up and down the aisle shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING! BO --”

The annoyed captain heard the shouting and interrupted her and said, “Be silent!”

Everyone on the plane stopped what they were doing and stared at the captain.  The excited blonde paused then she politely nodded an “Aye, aye, Captain” and began shouting, “OEING! OEING! OEING! OE....”


* A rutabaga and a banana are in a boat. The rutabaga became bored with the boat ride, so the rutabaga started rocking the boat.

The banana got annoyed and told the rutabaga to stop.  So, the rutabaga stopped rocking.

A few minutes later, the rutabaga again became bored and began rocking the boat.  The banana became angry and told the rutabaga to stop rocking the boat. So, the rutabaga stopped.

Ten minutes later, the rutabaga laughed at the banana and said, “Hey this is fun!” And, again the rutabaga started rocking the boat.

The banana got pissed off and said, “Hey! Don’t rock this f*cking boat or I’m going to throw your ass out of this boat!” The rutabaga stopped.

Ten minutes later, the rutabaga was at it again and the banana pushed the rutabaga off the boat! 

* A young man was in love and proposed to his girlfriend and gave her an engagement ring right before he went into the army.

After he was discharged, his future bride told him her mother had become an invalid who needed her 24/7. She still loved him very much but didn’t want to ruin his life.

He told her to keep the ring and he understood her situation, but they decided once a year to meet at a nearby lake on the dock where he first proposed to her.

So, every year they met on the dock until as the years passed, the man developed Alzheimer's and went to the wrong dock for their annual meeting.  He waited and waited and decided to fish while he was waiting.

Meanwhile, his beloved is on the right dock but after waiting and waiting, she gave up and tossed the engagement ring into the lake thinking he did not love her anymore and left. 

The old gentleman was still fishing on the wrong dock but suddenly felt a tug on his line. He reeled it in slowly and to his amazement, he caught…a rutabaga.
 

* Caution. They may not get any worse than this next one. Very sorry.

Now, a little while ago, I was in a long line for a new video game and stood behind a beautiful girl. The line was so long, I started up a conversation with her and as we talked, things went very well so I asked her out for a movie that evening.

I picked her up and off we went to the movie. We didn’t book tickets online and since the movie had just come out, there was a long line and only one ticket seller. But the long line gave us more time to learn more about each other which was good.

After we got our tickets, the theater was still emptying out from the prior showing, so we had to wait again in a long line which gave us more time to talk. We talked about everything, our friends, our family. It was great.

When the people quit coming out of the prior show, an army of cleaners went in, so we had more time to talk in the long line of people waiting to take their seats.

After 15 minutes, we finally got in and as we sat down, the girl said she was terribly thirsty, so I went and got a drink for her. Seemed like everyone else had the same idea, and again there was a long line for drinks. I entertained myself thinking about what to do after the movie with my new girl.

Finally, I got the drinks and headed back to our seats. I 
gave
a drink to her, then realized I needed to go to the bathroom and told her I’d be right back. I’d missed the opening of the movie anyway, so I didn’t mind leaving but when I got to the bathroom, there was a huge line with only one toilet and one urinal in the whole theater. I had no choice but to wait in line. I didn’t get annoyed since I felt bad for the people who were behind me way back in the line which was forming fast due to only one urinal and one toilet.

Eventually, I made it back and settled in to watch the film and the film was very good even though I now missed over half of it. She was enjoying it and that made me feel very good to see her enjoying it.

After the film, she wanted to go to one of the little restaurants outside the theater. I agreed, but again, it seemed like everyone else had the same idea and we waited quite a bit in the long line for a table. We must have been in line for nearly an hour but that was fine since we talked and talked and were getting along just fine, telling jokes and learning about each other’s interests and hobbies.

The waitress apologized after we were seated and took our orders.  We ended up enjoying a lot of food as the waiting in line increased our appetites and we also drank too many glasses of wine and both of us were feeling a little rocky.

She was still having fun, so I asked her if she wanted to go to one of the clubs in town and she agreed. We didn’t want to drive since we drank a bit too much, so I told her we’d better take a taxi and unbelievably, there was a huge line for taxis at the taxi stand. I didn’t think there would be a demand for taxis as it wasn’t raining but we talked about all the skyscraper buildings lit up at night. After a long wait, (the taxis showed up one by one) we finally got into a taxi and headed to the club.

When we got to the club, there was a huge line of people waiting to get in but to my amazement, this beautiful girl is still having a great time even though we were in another long line again. We talked effortlessly, and I knew this was going to be the start of a great relationship.

When we finally got into the club, we started dancing for a while, then took a booth. She told me she was thirsty, so I got up and went to the bar and again there was a huge line for drinks with only one bartender. She told me she liked to drink punch, so, I asked the guy in front of me if there was any other place in the club I could get a non-alcoholic drink like a punch.

He turned to me and said, “No, sorry man. There is no punch line.”



Really GOOD jokes.

* Two very serious medical researchers who studied geriatrics were watching an old man hobbling down the sidewalk outside the laboratory and noticed he was going very slow with his legs spread apart, and he was hardly bending his knees.

The first researcher said, “Looks like a serious orthopedic gait disorder. He’s probably exhibiting early stages of Parkinsonism.  Or, it could be due to issues with his central nervous system?”

The other researcher didn’t agree. “No, I suspect it’s just arthritis. But he may be suffering from the adverse effects from medications due to polypharmacy including perhaps sedatives.”

“I still believe it’s probably Parkinsonism. He is walking too slow, and his legs are jiggling a bit and too far apart,” said the first researcher.

“But, it may be due to adverse effects from too many medications,” said the other researcher.

“Perhaps, but I’ll bet you a lunch on my analysis. Let’s go politely ask him to see whose analysis is the closest to his condition.”

They approached the old man and said, “Please excuse us sir. We are medical researchers who work in that building and we noticed your slow tedious and careful walk. We couldn’t agree on possible causes of your condition. Would you mind sharing with us what condition you have?”

The old man replied, “I’ll tell you what is wrong with me, but I would like to hear your thoughts first. Then, I’ll tell you if you are correct or not.”

The first researcher said, “I believe you may be suffering from the early stages of Parkinson’s disease. Or, a problem with your central nervous system?”

“Sorry, but you have guessed wrong,” said the old man.

The second researcher said, “I believe it’s probably just arthritis you suffer from? Or, perhaps adverse effects from medications?”

“Sorry, but you have guessed wrong also.”

“Well sir, please tell what condition you have?”

 The old man smiled, “I suspected I was going to fart…but I guessed wrong too.”



*An international flight from Asia to the US was carrying 198 passengers but the crew, unfortunately, discovered an hour into the flight there were only 40 meals on the plane.

After trying to figure out what to do, the Flight Crew came up with a solution. They advised the passengers, “We apologize to you and we are still trying to figure out how this occurred, but we have only 40 dinners on board, and we need to feed all 198 of you on this flight.”

A loud muttering and moaning started amongst the passengers.  The chief flight attendant continued to try and quiet everyone down, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up their dinner so someone else could eat, will receive unlimited free alcoholic beverages during the entire duration of the flight.”

A second announcement was made two hours later, “If anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 40 dinners available.”


* Joe was traveling through the Florida Everglades and stopped at a little bar. He walked in and noticed an old sign hanging by the bar:

“IF YOU CAN PASS THE TEST, FREE BEER AND WINE FOR A YEAR.”

Joe scratched his head and asked the proprietor, “Sir, what is… ‘The Test’”?

The proprietor looked at Joe and shook his head. “You don’t want to know.”

“Yes, I do,” said Joe.

“You really want to know?”

“Yeah, just curious. I like beer and wine especially free beer and wine,” Joe replied.

The proprietor says, “Well, here’s how it goes. You drink that gallon bottle of Prairie Fire.”

“What’s Prairie Fire?” Joe asked.

“Tabasco Sauce and Vodka. You got to drink the whole thing down all at once – no stoppin’ and you can’t grimace one bit. Next, there’s a gator back there with a sore tooth - the proprietor points out the window. You gotta pull that tooth out with your bare hands. Third, there’s a lady upstairs getting on in her years and she’s never had a climax. You gotta make things right for her – you know what I’m talking about?”

Joe sits there shaking his head. “As much as I’d like free beer, that’s crazy. You know I’ve done some crazy things but that’s ridiculous.”

Well, Joe drinks a few, then sits up and says, “Wherez that Plaree-e-e P-h-lire?” Then Joe grabs the gallon jug and chugs it all down. His face is redder than the rising sun, tears are streaming down his face. He slams the empty gallon bottle down on the bar and staggers out back.

The others at the bar hear hair-raising grunts and loud roars. They look out the window at the pen outside and see the huge alligator struggling to get away while Joe is dragging it back into the pen. There’s a huge roar then eerie silence.

Joe staggered out with his shirt and pants ripped to shreds.  He’s bleeding from scratches and cuts all over his body as he walked slowly back into the bar.

“Okay,” Joe says, “Where’s that lady who’s got the sore tooth?”


Tiger wins at Eastlake!

Amazing Tiger